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Pearl of Wisdom

'Sometimes my heart becomes entangled, so I seek forgiveness from Allah for it seventy times a

Prophet Muhammad al-Mustafa [sawa]

Mustadrak al-Wasa'il, v. 5, p. 320, no. 5987

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Question : #965

Category: Miscellaneous

Subject:	sin
Question:	aoa, my name is syed jamal anwar and by profeesion I am teacher and belong to gujrat, Pakistan, from last one year I am in deep trouble, now I will tell you my whole problem, last year my mother my mother died, since than I am in great sin feeling, I will that I am very big siner, last year my mother fall down and her hipbone fractured, she came to bed and even cant go to wash room, me and my father take care of her, we use papmer for her and most of the time I used to clean her and I put her pamper two times, I tried to take care of her, I was doing phd in Islamabad but I came to her to take care of her and want that when she will be better than I will again join the phd, she was cardic patient and also the severe patient of depression, she has no interest in life even she did not want to take meal, me and my father always force her to come back to life but she not co-operate us, some times I have to show aggression to her so that she take interst in things, I am now too much repenting that I show aggression to her, due to this I have too much feeling that I did bad with my mother and I am siner. The day at which my mother died, I have very bad feelings, I will tell u in detail. 23rd may 2013. At 3pm my mother breathe start to broken, intiallity cant understand what happing, I took to hospital, her treatment started, I was standing with her bed and was praying that she will become fine, I have no feeling that she will die today and I was confirmed that she will be fine. Nurse asked me to go out as they want to do ecg of mother, I came out and praying that mother will get fine, after few minutes dr called me and said me that ur mother is dying and there is no chance that she will survive, as I heard that, I started to weep, I have a very strange feeling, my feeling is that it is good that mother is dying, she was so ill that today or tommrow she has to die, the grief which I have to bear tommrow I will bear today, than I also think that now I am free from the care of mother, now I will do my other things, after hearing that my over all feeling was that I was happy that mother is dying and after hearing that I want that mother will die, so that I will got free from her care, but all this feeling developed in me when dr asked me , there is no chance that your mother will survive, I came out of the ward and sit in hospital hall, still while sitting there I not pray for mother that she will survive, but I want that mother will die, dr called me and asked me that your mother is died, which I was wishing and in my mind it is coming that it is good that your mother is died, now u are free from each and every thing and u will live the life easily, these all feelings coming into my mind and I was weeping and weeping and thinking in that way. Utill I have not buried my mother I remained in that state and different types of feeling coming into my mind and I was weeping too much, after buring of my mother I came into senses and I feel that I loose a very big thing which has no compensation and feel that I am too much mean that I want that my mother will die, I feel very bad and due to these feelings I often think to do suicide because I feel that I am so mean that I have no right to live alive who want that her mother will die, all the times these thinkings came into my mind and I went into deep depression that how I can think like that for my mother whom I loved too much and for her I can give my life. I daily went to her grave for fatheih and forgiveness of the sin which I did, I have too much repeantness and since the death of my mother I remained unable to do any thing, my whole life is destroyed, I cant live with these feeling, I feel that god and my mother never forgive me, kindly guide me what I will do, I am finshing, I will wait for reply. Sir one thing I again want to mention that all that feeling developed in me after hearing from doctor that there is no chance that my mother will survive befor that I never think for my mother death and always pray that she will get long age. Kindly guide me.
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